How the War was Won
by Author00
Summary: Tsunade and Mei have a bikini mud fight over Jiraiya and Naruto, Madara, Hinata, and Kabuto have a Sake Drinking Contest over who wins the war.
1. How the War was Won

Tsunade stared at the revived Jiraiya. The allied forces had been in the middle of Ame, fighting the last battle in Madara's stronghold. Kabuto had summoned Jiraiya and Orochimaru to fight her, but with the aid of Killer A, Onoki, and Mei, her old teammates had been defeated. What nobody had expected was Jiraiya slapping a seal on his chest and coming back to life.

"Hello, Hime. It's good to see you." The Toad Sage said.

She simply stared at him, before running forward and embracing him. "Your alive. I should have told you long ago, but I love you,! Naruto is fighting Madara a few miles away, and since we all know Kishi is just stacking the odds against Naruto as much as possible, before having him fight Madara and Sasuke, during which he and Sasuke have a 'feel good' moment, team up, and kill Madara, wanna have victory sex right now?"

Jiraiya nodded, a dumbstruck expression on his face.

"Wait! Why should she get to have victory sex with Jiraiya? I'm Icha-Icha's biggest fan!" Mei declared. "I should get to have sex with him!" She then proceeded to push Tsunade of Jiraiya, before grinding on the man herself.

"Bitch, I know your not touchin' my man!" She gave a chakra enhanced bitchslap to Mei, while doing that 'Oh no you Didn't' thing.

"There is only one way to settle this." Mei said, fire in her eyes. Tsunade nodded. They then both stripped down to bikinis, and stated wrestling in a puddle of ever-present Ame mud.

Jiraiya just had a stupid grin on his face the entire time.

* * *

><p>Naruto stood in front of Madara. Sasuke, who after a 'feel good' moment between them, had betrayed Madara, lay unconscious, nearby, next to Kabuto.<p>

"Okay, Naruto, we are both out of chakra." Madara said. "Why not just have a Sake drinking contest over the war?"

Naruto, who was breathing heavily, sighed. "You know what, Fuck it, lets drink."

20 minutes later, Naruto and Madara were sitting at one table, Hinata and Kabuto at the other.

"Okay, since Sasuke-Teme is still out of it, Hinata-chan will take his place." Naruto said. "Whichever side is left standing wins."

Madara nodded, and they were about to start, until...

"Wait!" Gaara said. "Let me start it."

"In this corner, we Naruto, AKA Kyubi's Dominatrix! (OI!) And in the corner, we have Madara, AKA Tobi, Naruto's Peter Griffin! (Knew that would come back to haunt me )

"In this corner, we have Hinata, AKA, the only freaking chunin besides Choji to to develop breast!(All other chunin in the area started to cry, except Choji, who looked pissed.) And in this Corner we have Kabuto, AKA Orochimaru's fuck-toy! (I resent that!)

After everybody was done mauling Gaara, they drank.

"When the hell did Gaara become like this?" Kankuro asked his sister. Temari shrugged.

* * *

><p>3 Hours and 113 bottles of Sake Later(Time changes courtesy of Gaara.)<p>

"Nawjd waki sja furew saga!" Madara said. (Naruto, you can't beat the might of the Sharingan!)

"O tew m, mera!" Kabuto cheered before tossing back another shot. (You tell him, Madara!)

Kabuto then died of alcohol poisoning.

"Naga-kn, E wum!" Hinata shouted, her cheeks red, for once not from Naruto.(Naruto-kun, I won!)

"Gi, Hasa-cieen!" Naruto slurred.(Go, Hinata-chan!)

* * *

><p>Back with Tsunade and Mei-<p>

Both busty Kage were covered in mud, topless, and pulling eachother's hair.

All Jonin and above ninja were cheering, except Kakashi, who was still reading his book. (WTF, Kakashi?)

"Wait, wait." Tsunade said. "Why don't we just have a threesome?"

The Mizukage looked thoughtful for a moment, then enveloped Tsunade's lips in a passionate kiss. "I've dreamed of this since I was a little girl. Fucking both loyal sannin!"

The two women then grabbed Jiraiya and took him into a tent.

"If this is an apology for offing me, all is forgiven!" Jiraiya shouted to the sky.

Meanwhile, all men in the world(And alot of women, too.) suddenly felt as if the next Icha-Icha would involve two hot Kages.

* * *

><p>Back with Naruto and Madara-<p>

"Ish goffa dim!" Madara shouted at Naruto. (I'm gonna win!)

"Nsar!" Naruto screamed defiantly, downing another shot.(Never!)

"Hamsk sksmnd kadml kseki drok kx vkdkla!"(?) Madara fell, dead from alcohol poisoning.

Everybody cheered. "Won ha drien victery ses, Nagoot-kun?"(Wanna have drunken victory sex, Naruto-kun?)

"Sah, Hiaga-chan!" Naruto said, making a nice guy pose. They then had sex.

On Madara's corpse.

In front of Kurenai, Shikamaru, and Temari.

The former fainted, while the latter two copied Naruto and Hinata on Kabuto's corpse, which lead to Gaara trying to Sand Coffin Shikamaru's sack.

And that was how the war was won.


	2. Alternate Ending 1

Alternate Endings

Mei envelped Tsunade's lips in a kiss. "I've been dreaming about this since I was a little girl. I get to fuck both loyal sannin!"

They both turned to Jiraiya, intent on fucking his brains out, when...

They saw Jiraiya slap the same seal that brought him back to life on Orochimaru.

"What the hell, Jiraiya?" Mei and Tsunade shouted in unison.

"Jiraiya?" Orochimaru coughed weakly. "Why did you bring me back, after all that I did?"

Jraiya looked at him, eyes full of... affection? "I couldn't forget what we had, Ori-kun. When you left, I tried to hide my pain by being perverted, peeping on the hotsprings, writing those disugting books. But I could never forget our love!"

Everybody who was watching screamed, "WTF!", except Kakashi, who had died inside whe he heard Jiraiya declare Icha-Icha disgusting. Poor, poor, porn-loving Kakashi.

"Jiri-kun, you still love me?" Orochimaru said, his eyes filled to the brim with hope.

"Of course, my love." And their lips met.

* * *

><p>Back with the Sake-<p>

Everybody cheered. "Won ha drien victery ses, Nagoot-kun?"(Wanna have drunken victory sex, Naruto-kun?)

Naruto, suddenly sober, said, "No, Hinata. I am sorry, but I could never give myself to anybody but my true love."

Sakura stepped forward. "I feel the same way, Naru-"

"Shut up, Bitch!" Sasuke shouted. "He means me!" (Cue audience saying a unison "Buuuuuurrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn.")

The two engaged in a passionate kiss.

WTF?

* * *

><p>1 year later-<p>

"One more push, Naruto!" Sakura shouted.

"You too, Jiraiya!" Tsunade urged.

With loud screams, two cries filled the air. Each new parent was handed their respective sons. Both looked at them lovingly, then at their spouses, Sasuke and Orochimaru. And the two families were complete.

And all was right with the worl-

"FUCK NO!" Author00 screamed. "WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS YAOI SHIT IN MY FUCKING STORY! MEN CAN'T GET PREGNANT, DAMMIT! THE AMOUNT OF YAOI ON THIS SITE IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS! THERE HAS TO BE AT LEAST 250,000 GODDAMN STORIES WITH THIS SHIT IN THERE! I GET THE WHOLE, 'IT'S FANFICTON' THING, BUT WTF, PEOPLE? WHO DID THIS?"

Multiple Yaoi Fangirls appeared out of the shadows, cracks in the woodwork, and ut of thin air. "They will have eachother's asses. They will have eachother's asses." They chanted.

Author00 took out his labtop, and wrote, 'And then Author00 gained ultimate ninja skills, and destroyed this universe.'

And all was right with the Multi-verse.

And that was how the war against creepy yaoi and male pregnancies was won.


	3. Alternate Ending 2

Alternate Ending 2

"Why the hell would I settle the fate of the shinobi nations on a damn drinking conest?" Naruto asked Madara, outraged.

Madara sighed. "I was afraid you would say no. Sorry about this."

And then, to Hinata's horror, Madara's foot found its way to Naruto's crotch.

"Ouchy." Naruto groaned. "Madara, you bastard, you got franks and beans!"

"Naruto!" Hinata shouted in horror, running towards Naruto. She crouched beside him and gathered the wounded male in her arms. Turning to Madara, she angrily shouted, "God dammit, he'll need that later!"

"Lucky bastard." Many men muttered in the crowd that doesn't really matter. Of course, they remembered his nuts, and they all winced.

"HAHAHAHAHA! NOW I WILL WIN!" Madara cackled. "KABUTO, WHY DO YOU NOT JOIN ME IN MY MANIACAL LAUGHTER SOON TO BE RANTING!"

"He and Edo-Orochimaru got into the booze!" Someone shouted from the background. All eyes turned to the disgusting sight of Orochimaru and Kabuto frenching.

"WTF!" Author00 shouted, popping into the story yet again. "That isn't even the fucking joke this time." A curtain then fell upon the yaoi. These are the sounds that came from behind it.

"Hey, what-OH GOD, NO KABUTO! WAIT, HOLY SHIT, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT-" A chainsaw could be heard. "AHHHHH!" A stampede was heard. "KILL HIM, KILL HIM, FORCES OF YAOI! IN THE NAME OF THE LOVE BETWEEN-" "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING BITCHY FANGIRLISH METH-HEADS! WHERE IS MY HIDDEN BLADE! SCAR, GO FIND SCABBARD OOGAKARI, I NEED REINFORCEMENTS!" The sounds of combat filled the area.

There was a poof. "I SAID SCABBARD! DAMN, YUKI, YOU'LL HAVE TO DO! THROW UP SOME BARRIERS, THE EAST FLANK IS BEING OVERRUN!" "IN THE NAME OF YAOI!" "DAMMIT, THE SEMEN! TASTE HOLY WATER!" "ACK! IT BURNS!" "TWICEMARKED! THANK GOD! HOLD THE REAR!"

There was more scuffling. "KISS MY ASS!" "IF NARUTO AND SASUKE WOULD DO THAT, WE'D BE FINE!" "DIE!" "NO! THE YAOI!"

Then, it was over. And the curtain, and all those surrounding it, disappeared.

"What the-" Madara started, but he was then run through by a kunai via Jiraiya, who had just finished a threesome with Mei and Tsunade.

"Damn!" Author00 shouted, appearing again. "Now I have to write a new chapter to get the original plot of this alternate ending! And where is Naruto!"

"Hinata is fixing his crotch in that tent." Gaara supplied, point towards a nearby tent.

00 winced. "Yeah, I owe him for that. ALL FEMALES, GO HELP NARUTO'S RECOVERY!"

"Why?" A random female asked.

"BECAUSE I CAN KILL YOU ALL WITH A FLICK OF MY WRIST!" 00 shouted back. The girls, grumbling, went to make Naruto a lucky bastard.

And that is how the war against Madara and Yaoi was won.


	4. What Really Happened

What Really Happened

And that was how the war was wo-

"NO!" A voice shouted from the heavens. Then, riding on a dragon he no doubt made to look cool, Kishimoto descended from the clouds.

"That is not how I wanted this to end, dammit!" Kishi shouted at his characters, waving his arms so frantically he fell off his dragon and hit the ground hard, the laws of anime being the only thing to save him.

"Oh? And how did you want it to end?" Author00 asked, coming out of the shadows as the Naruto characters looked on in confusoin, Hinata cursing out all those who were interrupting her only chance to practice all those things she had read in Icha Icha on Naruto.

Jiraiya suddenly felt very warm and fuzzy. _'I feel as if a shy girl just freely imagined the contents of my novels being used on someone they care about by them. All is right with the world." _He thought serenely. He then looked at Naruto and Hinata. _'Gaki better hope it isn't that BSDM one I wrote in my freaky phase.'_

"Well, you see..." Kishi said, caught off guard. "There was going to be this thing with the other Madara, and he was going to be, um, the, um, Ridoku Sannin! And he was going to kill the real Madara, and then Sasuke was going to turn to the light side, and then I was going to make the part of my readers that matter really pissed by making Naruto shoot Hinata down and get with um... Tenten! She's a character, right? I make them up so often I forget sometimes..."

Author00 shook his head in disgust, as did most of the Naruto characters. Then it registered exactly what Kishimoto said, and he was subjected to a massive amount of killing intent from Naruto, Hinata, and Tenten.

"Dude, Hinata is sexy, sweet, smart, and strong. Why the fuck would you put me with Tenten? I mean, no offense Tenten, but I don't know you that well." Naruto said, his eye twitching.

"None taken." Tenten growled, fingering as kunai. "Forget about me, huh? Didn't even give me a last name..."

"You tried to take away my Naruto-kun?" Hinata whispered dangerously.

"Man, stop making shit up." Author00 said. Then, he placed his arm around Kishi's shoulders and started walking away from the assembled shinobi. "Let me give you some advice."

"You just write fanfiction! How could you help me?" Kishi asked indignantly.

Author00 sighed. "Kishi, if I could come up with an idea that didn't suck donkey ass, I could actually have something published by eighteen. But anyways, the place you screw up is plot, and you've only been doing it lately."

"What have I been doing?" Kishi asked curiously, deciding fan input may help him out with making up a plot.

"Well, it all started with the 'Half the shinobi army dead in a day' thing. Doesn't that make the odds seem insurmountable?"

"Well, maybe a little, but-" Kishi started, but he was cut off by 00.

"And then the whole thing with Sasuke pwning the kage. How can Naruto stand up to that?"

"Well, Sasuke was going to be good aga-"

"And even if Sasuke came back, his actions make it to where he would be put to death or to where he is just too far gone. And then the most recent upset, the meteor."

"Well, you see-"

"I mean, how is that even possible? Hell, you've made it unfeasible for the good guys to win."

"OKAY!" Kishi shouted. He then sighed. "I get it, I screwed up. How can I fix it?"

"Well, you need to make things more realistic. My suggestion? Give Naruto a power-up, make him talk to Hinata, and have him kick the ass of those Jinchuriki already." Author00 shouted, continuing to guide Kishi in what seemed to be no particular direction.

"Well... Wait! No, I can't leave my plot thingy! I will prevail!" Kishi shouted.

Author00 sighed. "I really didn't want to have to do this, but you're not leaving me much of a choice. See that pit down there?"

Kishi looked down, and realized Author00 had moved the poor idiot to the edge of a cliff leading to a very firey Hell, filled with...

"A-a-are t-th-those..." The suddenly terrified Kishi stuttered, pointing down the chasm.

"Yeah." Author00 said, cringing. "We had to lock the Yaoi Fangirl Army somewhere. I feel that throwing you in here would be best."

"Wait, wha-" Kishi began to say, but a strong push from Author00 knocked him into the pit among the hoards of demons, yaoi fangirls, whatever.

There was much rejoicing at the fall of Kishi, and thousands of years later, the people of the Narutoverse still remember the tall boy who had rescued them from the worst thing characters could possibly face.

And that is How the War Against Kishimoto's Plotline was Won.


End file.
